When the caregiver needs care, military families discover how fragile support systems can be. Five years after cancer, remission has brought new challenges and new gaps in the Adult Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP) respite care. In Caregiving with Cancer and Care Giving with Cancer Follow-Up, I shared how our family navigated diagnosis and active treatment. This is where our story continues.
Five Years Ago: Diagnosis, Deployment, and Survival Mode
Five years ago, I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. My doctors and I “threw everything” towards keeping me here for as long as possible. At the time, our three children were all under 9. We were just finally getting to a point where their special needs felt managed and supported. On top of that, my husband had just returned from a very long COVID deployment, only two weeks before my diagnosis. It was overwhelming trying to manage my own needs, and my family’s at the same time. It was stressful adding my roster of cancer specialists to our already full schedule of doctors and bi-weekly therapy. How do we support caregivers when they themselves require care?
How EFMP Respite Care Sustained Our Family
Surviving Two Years of Uncertainty
How did we survive? How were we so successful in managing the multitude of pieces? For two years, our goal line kept changing as my treatment kept evolving, and the worst-case scenarios became our realities. We survived with the help of many friends and family. There were many times when we were on our own. In my original article, I recounted our experiences. Our family survived two years of active treatment only with the help of services from EFMP respite care. If it were not for our children’s autism diagnoses and EFMP classifications, we would not have had access to respite care.
Stability and Predictability for Children with Autism
Our respite providers were familiar with our children’s needs and served as a constant light amid so many changes. Their assistance enabled my husband to help care for me when I could no longer care for myself. Also, the fact that we didn’t have to explain our routines and schedules to the revolving door of people who wanted to help us meant our respite care providers provided stability and predictability for our children, who do not like change.
When the Caregiver Needs Care but Eligibility Changes
Losing Child Respite Despite Ongoing Needs
Unfortunately, now, due to changes with the EFMP program, my children no longer qualify for respite care. Their needs have not changed, but they are better managed and thus do not qualify for as many services. This would be a great thing, but I am a medically complex adult with chronic side effects that are unpredictable.
Why Adult EFMP Respite Does Not Support Parenting Responsibilities
As an adult with long-term complex care needs, I now qualify for respite care hours under the updated EFMP guidelines. However, it’s not helpful when I am the caregiver who needs assistance. As currently written, the program provides a caregiver to support me so that my primary caregiver can take a well-deserved break. It does not include supervision for my children. This limits its effectiveness, as I remain responsible for their care during that time. How do we support the caregiver who needs caregiving?
Life in Remission with “Alive Problems”
Managing Chronic Illness While Remaining the Caregiver
Despite my cancer being in remission, I now suffer from long-term side effects from the treatments. It causes me to frequently need increased medical care, complex medical devices and prosthetics, and ongoing physical therapy. These changes in my daily life aren’t going away and are a part of my new reality for the rest of my life. My oncologist describes them as “alive problems.” As an adult who needs caregiving and is also a caregiver, I frequently find myself stretched thin between managing my children’s doctor’s appointments and therapies and my own. Sometimes I must choose which specialist to see first.
Hospitalization, Deployment, and Fragile Support Systems
The most complex part of my care is that I am frequently (and unpredictably) hospitalized. Previously, respite care providers have filled the gap when my husband, friends, and family are unable to help care for our kids. In January 2026, I spent multiple days in the hospital. My husband is currently deployed, and our family lives on the other side of the country. Thankfully, we landed in a community where neighbors and friends stepped up to care for my kids while I received treatment. What happens if someone doesn’t have that community?
Strengthening Adult EFMP for Caregivers Who Need Care
In 2024, I spoke to these issues regarding adult EMFP experiences and changes needed at the Quality of Life roundtable for Congress. At the time, the Adult EFMP program was still in development and not fully realized. They took the time to listen and strive for real change. It’s a giant step to have this fully come to fruition. Further refinement could make the program really sing and be a shining star for military families who need unique support, especially for caregivers who need care.
Refining Adult EFMP to Support the Whole Family
Adult EFMP is a significant step forward for military families with complex needs. But when the caregiver needs care, the program must reflect the full reality of family life, including parenting responsibilities. Refining respite care to support both the adult and their dependent children would strengthen military readiness, family stability, and long-term well-being. Military caregivers should not have to choose between caring for their children and managing their health.
About the Author – Meg Graves
Meg Graves is a seasoned advocate and leader whose lived experience spans 16 years as a Navy spouse, a career in education, and a deeply personal journey as a Stage 3C Triple Negative Breast Cancer survivor. As the mother of three children—two of whom are enrolled in EFMP—Meg brings unmatched insight into the challenges military families face, from navigating frequent PCS transitions to accessing consistent, quality healthcare and special education services.
Her advocacy work is both broad and deeply personal. Meg currently serves on the Military Child and Family Collaboratory. She helps shape care for military-connected youth and serves on the Patient and Family Partnership Council at Naval Health Clinic Oak Harbor. Meg is currently a Subject Matter Expert for EFMP & SPED at Partners in PROMISE, where she champions systems-level improvements for families with complex needs. She is also a current volunteer on the MFAN advisory board. She was recently recognized for her advocacy work. Meg was named the 2026 AFI MSOY for NAS Whidbey Island and is one of the top three Branch finalists for the Navy. Her prior roles at NSFL and as ombudsman and key spouse for various joint commands reflect her commitment to serving across branches. Meg is always striving to leave each duty station stronger than she found it.
Megan holds a Bachelor of Arts in English and a Bachelor of Science in Speech Communication from Millersville University, as well as graduate coursework in Special Education and ESL. She has taught in classrooms across the country, using every move as an opportunity to advocate for others. Her current focus centers on empowering families through outreach, mentorship, and improving the systems that serve them. Whether working to streamline healthcare access or support EFMP families, Meg ensures every military family—especially those managing complex medical and educational needs—feels seen, heard, and supported.
Meg, her husband, and their three children currently live in Washington State with their beloved dog, Happy. They can often be found browsing bookstores, sipping coffee, making joyful messes in the garden, or laughing together through everyday adventures. For Meg, purpose, presence, and connection are the heart of military life.
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