Military Life and the Emotional Toll of Parenting a Special Needs Child
I’m unsure if it’s even possible to describe the emotional toll that is put on the shoulders of special needs parents or caregivers in general. There is a physical and mental exhaustion that can only be understood by other special needs parents. As Jerry Maguire said, “It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?” Military life is often full of unforeseen events where we must pivot and be flexible. That is challenging for most of us, but it can be crippling for a neurodivergent person. And, like many military spouses, these responsibilities are mostly mine to manage. My husband is as involved as possible with his work schedule, but it is often left to me.
Balancing Daily Routines and Developmental Challenges
Most days, my life is organized down to the minute. I have laminated schedules that detail how our family navigates each day. Many of the day-to-day tasks that neurotypical children learn to do on their own by age six still require adult assistance and supervision. Eating, getting dressed, brushing teeth, and having bathtime are just a few things our ten-year-old son needs assistance completing properly. For our family, it’s like having a toddler or preschooler who never goes on to the next stage of development. That would be a challenge for a family that could live in the same location, have a predictable 9-to-5 job, build and maintain a support system of friends and family, and offer consistency. When you add deployments, family separations, and PCSing, it takes on a higher difficulty level.
Finding Support While Moving: The Emotional Toll of Constant Change
Moving is a challenge for most families. You must find a new doctor, dentist, and new schools, but for special needs families, it’s much more than that. We have to find doctors, dentists, and therapists trained to care for the specific needs of our family members. Even then, it takes a few visits for everyone to feel comfortable and safe. These circumstances require us to pay for additional out-of-pocket support rather than be able to rely on traditional military medicine.
Gaps in Care and the Emotional Toll of Delayed Services
When our routines begin to feel routine, it’s time to move again. Most occupational, speech, physical, and behavioral therapists often have a year-long wait, which causes there to be a lapse in services. This tends to bring a host of behavioral and emotional outbursts. Military spouses find it difficult to find or keep employment with the burden of moving every few years. The financial burden of being a single-income family, especially when so much of the support we need is not covered by insurance, is an added stressor for the family. Also added to our daily grind is the required paperwork to ensure support (when available) can be scheduled.
Recognizing the Emotional Toll of Isolation, Exhaustion, and Unseen Struggles
If you are a family member with a special needs member, I see you. I see the backbreaking work it takes to manage a move, deal with solo parenting, schedule therapies (and wait months on the waitlist), practice patience when you are so tired you can’t even see straight, and the loneliness that comes with it all. You’re doing a great job. Together, we can get through!
You Are Not Alone—Let’s Support Each Other
Parenting a special needs child while navigating military life comes with unique challenges. You don’t have to face them alone. Connect with other parents who understand the journey, seek out local and online support groups, and don’t hesitate to ask for help when needed. The Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP) helps manage the care and services for a family member with special needs. Partners in PROMISE offers a free and customizable special needs binder to help empower and equip exceptional military families with everything you need on your special education journey and beyond. If there is a long waitlist via Tricare, Military One Source has free non-clinical support available and quickly.
Your hard work and dedication do not go unnoticed. Does this article resonate with you? Share your story, offer support to others, or reach out to resources that can help lighten the load. Together, we can navigate the emotional toll and find strength in your community.
About the Author – Natalina Gleason
Natalina is a mother to three neuro-spicy boys: David (12), Luke (10), and Philip (6). As a seasoned (and sometimes salty) Navy spouse for over 15 years, she’s lived on both sides of the country a few times and is now experiencing life in the beautiful Rockies. If she’s not reading a book or listening to a podcast about autism and neurodiversity, she’s spending time with her plant babies or at a Pilates class.
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As a University Full Professor Emeritus, and familiar with the presentation and publication of articles and books, I must state that I was sincerely impressed with the author of this article. What impressed me the most, was that not only it was written in an impeccable style but that it was also quite easy to follow. In addition, the valued information needed for further help in the issues at hand, makes it easier for other parents, who are facing similar difficulties, to have access to further guiding information.