Recently, I listened to a parenting podcast that referenced a book written by Dr. W. Thomas Boyce. The book discusses how children usually fall into two categories: dandelions or orchids. Hearing their definitions struck me to the core. Dandelions can thrive anywhere you put them, even in a sidewalk crack. Orchids, however, need the perfect humidity, sunlight, and watering schedule to thrive.
I have two orchids with special needs, Individualized Education Programs (IEPs), and different challenges. My parenting experience with them has been far different than what I expected parenthood to be. It has humbled me in a way I wasn’t ready for. It has also helped me reflect on this unique path, which is sometimes quiet, lonely, and dauntingly impossible. But I have come into my own at the same time.
Building Understanding and Acceptance Among Parents and Family
Parents initially loved telling me, “Most kids are like that.” Sure, most kids have meltdowns. Most kids have big feelings, struggle socially, and go through a picky eating stage. But this is not a phase. My kids are diagnosed for a reason. They don’t grow out of it. I wish my friends had listened to me instead of trying to make me feel better. I am not trying to compete in some parenting game of “whose life is harder.” Why would anyone want to win that game? Comparison is the thief of happiness.
Sometimes, I feel like I am constantly defending my children to the world. Other parents say, “Your daughter seems to yell a lot,” while family members ask, “You mean he still needs therapy? Is he still autistic?” Even other children question, “Why is he pacing so much?” It’s exhausting to have to educate others about their behavior and reactions. My kids are not choosing to be dysregulated—this is simply who they are. They process the world differently and don’t always have the language to express it. Their behavior isn’t a choice.
Helping Our Orchids Bloom: Supporting Neurodivergent Friendships
Finding friends is a struggle. My daughter wants friends but doesn’t know how to navigate social scenes. This makes play dates challenging and feels more like a high-stakes negotiation than a fun experience for my child. Her peers rarely have the patience for her rigidity in play. The only way to get more adept at these situations is to practice, but the calls for play dates have become few and far between.
Birthday parties are a double-edged sword. When we receive a rare invitation, the party is usually overwhelming and not a place for my child to shine. Between the chaos of birthday party excitement and recess free-for-all, the opportunity to practice being with peers is nearly impossible. My normal is watching my kids not fit in or struggle socially, which is heartbreaking. But we keep trying.
Military Life and the Unexpected Support It Brings
We have benefited from being in the military during this experience. Despite moving every two years for a decade, we have always (eventually) found services for both kids. I am grateful for insurance covering most of my children’s required therapies. Also, I have met some amazing people because of the Army. Some of the most supportive humans I have ever encountered have been military spouses. One particular Mother’s Day was horrid when my husband was deployed. My on-post neighbors came over to assist me with no questions or judgment. A different mom took each kid to entertain them for an hour while I decompressed. I still think about it. They may not know how much it means to feel supported and seen. At our current duty station, I have the most supportive, empathetic friend. She celebrates with me when I call or text her to talk about the successes (however minor). We wouldn’t have met had it not been for the military.
Why Finding Other Neurodivergent Parents Matters
Over the years, I have been grateful for the special needs parents and our community, as they are often the only ones who “get” our unique parenting journey. I will always love my children for who they are and keep trying to create the ideal environment for my orchids to thrive.
If you meet or know another special needs parent, especially navigating this military life, ask them how they are and listen. Recently, I received a text message from a woman I met through our PTA. She asked about starting a small playgroup. Her child has special needs and understands the struggles. Connecting with another person experiencing a similar version of parenting was incredible. I want to be around other parents who can celebrate the little and big with me. These parents, our community, who “get it,” can be hard to find, but they are worth hunting for. So, keep going. We see you, and you are doing amazing.
About the Author – Amy Anderson
Amy Anderson is a 12-year Army spouse, veteran, and mom to two neurodivergent nuggets, Jack and Lillian, ages 11 and 8.
As a family, they have moved around the East Coast (with Kentucky thrown in for variety) and are currently living in northern Virginia. They like water parks, watching movies in their living room, and tolerating the outdoors. Amy enjoys sarcasm (her love language), cooking, and pretending that today will be the day she cleans off the kitchen table.
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