Self-advocacy is the art and nuance of teaching children (and adults) to recognize and name their needs, and to work toward meeting those needs in an appropriate and effective way.
Why Self-Advocacy Is More Than Speaking Up
Being a self-advocate is more than just speaking your needs aloud. It’s an appropriate accommodation to a world that can feel less than welcoming.
Becoming a self-advocate takes practice. I am not an expert by any definition, but I am a parent of tenacious children. My children are good at telling me what they do and do not like. Turning their tenacity into self-advocacy at school requires nuanced guidance and practice at home.
Why Trust Is the Foundation of Self-Advocacy
Appropriate self-advocacy starts with trust.
Trusting that the adults in a child’s life will believe what they are asking for and telling them. The adult needs to honor the words in a safe and appropriate manner. We need to teach our children that using their words works (and works faster than any other method they may try, such as acting out of frustration, using their hands inappropriately, or throwing tantrums). Remember, all behavior is communication.
After the child (or adult) learns that words work, we need to teach ourselves and our children to accept the word “no” and to delay gratification. Some accommodations and needs can’t be met right away, or in the manner we are asking. Adults and children need to learn to think flexibly about what might work and what might not. It again comes back to understanding the need and trusting that the adults in your life will honor your words by being clear and direct about your needs.
What Self-Advocacy Looks Like for Different Children
Self-advocacy looks different for each child and their comfort levels. While I admit that my children can be very clear at home, their needs at school are vastly different. Practicing at home can be a safe and easy way for differently abled children to gain confidence in their communication skills and awareness.
Ways to Practice Self-Advocacy at Home
1. Helping Children Go Beyond “I Don’t Like That.”
When your child says, “No, I don’t like that,” don’t let the sentence end there.
Help them:
- Name what they don’t like
- Identify how it makes them feel
- Find words that will help them succeed
Helpful prompts include:
- “What is it that you don’t like?”
- “Is it a feeling? A texture?”
- “Are you unsure about what’s coming next?”
Even if your child cannot communicate in the same way as their typically developing peers, they can still practice identifying needs. This may look like:
- Using pictures or visual supports
- Reading social stories
- Offering two structured choices
Real-life example:
Recently, my child was coming home upset, agitated, and crying about their grades. It became a loaded topic, one they would shut down or avoid when questioned about why their grades suddenly dropped from straight As to incompletes. With intentionally hard (loud and full of tears) discussions, we were able to glean and name some potential issues. They expressed feeling overwhelmed by the number of multi-step assignments & their rapid due dates. They were unable to break it down into manageable steps, and their own perfectionism was holding them back. Instead, they opted out, and decision paralysis seemed like a better solution.
It required one-on-one guidance to determine the real root of the problem, beyond the behaviors. Once we calmly addressed the issues, we could look at each project individually and set manageable goals. They were then able to talk directly with their teacher about the unmet needs and how that was causing feelings of overwhelm. His teacher trusted his words and was able to find solutions for them both
2. “I Don’t Want to Ride the Bus!”
This is a common phrase I hear at home from my children. They sometimes arrive screaming that phrase through the front door the moment they return home from school, flinging their backpacks and shoes angrily
As a working parent, it breaks my heart to hear that, because I rely on the bus to get them to and from school. There are many things about the bus that are out of their control, like the number of children who ride it and the times it picks up or drops off. Anything that happens on the bus can be addressed directly with the bus driver and other students.
Through guided conversations, my children have learned to:
- Ask for specific seating
- Request more personal space
- Advocate for quieter ride accommodations
When needs can’t be met directly, we problem-solve together:
- Noise-canceling headphones
- Fidgets stored in backpacks
- Strategic placement of belongings to create a “space bubble.”
We can model that we believe their words and that their needs matter are important steps in the process of self-advocacy, but some accommodations and needs can’t be met right away, or in the way they would best appreciate. Flexible thinking is key in these instances.
3. Navigating School Changes After a PCS
“But I liked things better at my old school!”
As a military parent, I’m sure you may have heard this phrase uttered by your own children after a PCS. Recently, we moved from Washington, D.C., to Washington State, where things are very different for each of my children. The things we are asking of them at our new schools are very different from their previous schooling experiences. Our children now have three different bus schedules, three different school schedules, and multiple new teachers and larger class sizes.
We’ve found it helpful to:
- Talk about what worked at the old school
- Identify what they like (or don’t like) about the new school
- Explore how successful strategies can carry over
For my children with IEPs, this included discussing:
- Which accommodations were most helpful
- How services like OT were structured
- What supports they want to continue in the new setting
Self-advocacy empowers children to articulate these needs clearly and confidently.
Why Self-Advocacy Starts at Home
Self-advocacy starts at home, and as we practice it with our children, they can then bring their words to a trusted adult in the school setting. If this is done well, our burgeoning self-advocates will be able to translate these skills as they grow into successful adults themselves. They will be able to recognize their needs and when big feelings happen over small problems. Clearly speaking to trusted adults about those needs and how they can be better met at college, in the workforce, or even in their personal relationships. They will develop the skills to be flexible and adaptable when their needs can’t be met as originally requested, by understanding the limitations of their environments.
About the Author
As a proud Navy military wife, Meg Graves is no stranger to the hardships of military life. Meg and her husband share three children, two of whom are neurodivergent and in the EFMP. Meg, also of EFMP status as a breast cancer survivor, has first-hand experience in advocating for her children’s unique needs. Breast cancer has taught her that we all have our version of hard.
She has been front and center, listening and helping to create change for other families at the local school level and for all exceptional children through her roles as a special needs educator and Special Education Advisory Committee (SEAC) member.
Meg has empowered, led, and encouraged other military families as their needs and families have grown and changed. Her role as a Navy Family Ombudsman and Air Force Key Spouse at Joint Commands has given her insights into how EFMP differs between service branches. Meg graduated in 2004 from Millersville University with a dual major in English and Speech Communication, with a focus on Communication Theory. She then pursued graduate coursework in Special Education and English as a Second Language. Meg began working as Partners in PROMISE’s Volunteer Coordinator in 2022.
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