We’ve all heard the adage “It takes a village,” which originates from the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child.” It means a community of people is needed to provide a safe and healthy environment for children to grow up. This saying is even more important in special needs communities where parents are raising children with disabilities. But what happens when that family is a military family and their “community” changes every two to three years? How can you lean into your village for support when you have no idea if that support even exists? You learn how to build.
Alone in the Aloha State
We PCSed to Hawaii when my boys were young; Andrew was 5, and Ryan was 2. We expected a 3-year vacation, but it quickly became one of the most challenging duty stations for my husband and our family. My husband worked more hours than ever and was often away from home for weeks or months. I tried joining spouse groups and mom groups but quickly discovered that my youngest, Ryan, had behavior issues that were beyond the typical “terrible twos.” I would get called out of church or pulled from spouse meetings to handle situations where Ryan had been physically aggressive to other children or even other adults. I started to feel so isolated in a place where we were already separated from our friends and family. Where was my village? Who can I lean on?
Diagnosis: Now What?
Not only was Ryan’s behavior preventing us from connecting with families in our community, but it was also making it hard to find childcare. Ryan was kicked out of several childcare facilities and in-home childcare due to his behaviors (one that lasted less than one hour). They “politely” encouraged us to contact his pediatrician for answers.
Ryan’s first diagnosis was ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. We started implementing behavior support strategies at home and started medication treatments. Shortly after his diagnosis, we got a coveted spot with on-base child care at the CDC, Child Development Center. His new teachers felt that there were still some issues Ryan was facing that seemed to be more than just ADHD. They requested observations and evaluations from a Pediatric Diagnostician. She ultimately concluded that Ryan not only had ADHD but also had Autism. We didn’t know anyone with Autism and had no idea how to navigate this new path. The CDC Director suggested we meet with several individuals to discuss a plan for supporting Ryan. One of the people in that meeting was an EFMP Systems Navigator, and she changed everything for us.
Learn to Build
After Ryan’s diagnosis, our EFMP Navigator encouraged us to request an evaluation for Special Education with the local school. Unfortunately, the school dismissed our initial request, and we wondered what to do. Once we relayed that information to our EFMP Navigator, she went into full-blown advocate mode. We scheduled another meeting with our local school and invited her to attend. She went with us, leading the way inside the building, stuck out her hand to shake with the principal, and introduced herself as a representative of the United States Army and was there on our behalf. It gave me chills. The school staff knew we meant business and would not be turned away again. The team gave Ryan a complete evaluation and determined he was eligible for Special Education Services. From there, with the help of the EFMP, we started to build our village.
Growing Your Village
In the beginning, our village was small and consisted of a couple of doctors, teachers, and advocates. Through those connections, we started making more connections to other special needs families, support groups, and online resources like Partners in Promise. Since then, our village has grown and has welcomed other families that felt alone with no one to lean into. We have been able to support other military families by sharing our journey through disability and sharing our resources. Our village may not look like a typical one made up of friends and family, but it is a beautiful patchwork of resources and support that spreads across the globe. It does take a village to raise a child, even if you have to build it yourself from the ground up.
About the Author – Katie Laubender
Katie grew up as an Army brat living in Alaska, Alabama, and Texas. After marrying her husband, she also lived in Virginia and Hawaii and finally resides back “home” in Texas. Katie received her bachelor’s degree in Sociology from Saint Leo University. She earned her Masters in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University, focusing on military child education.
Katie was a high school special education teacher in Hawaii and Texas. She also taught in an 18+ Transition Program that highlighted educating young adults with disabilities about lifelong learning, employment skills, and independent living. Katie is the Youth Transitions Program Manager with Baylor University’s Center for Developmental Disabilities. This program seeks to reach families of youth and young adults with disabilities and assist with their transition into adulthood.
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